Crystal Lambert-Schroeder of Lambert Law Office in Vancouver Washington is one of the area’s most desirable family law attorneys. Crystal works tirelessly with her clients to help them through the divorce process and to move on with their lives. One thing that will help with this process is learning to forgive your ex.
The thought of forgiving your ex, and forgiving yourself as well, can be daunting. Initially, it is normal to not even want to forgive. Harboring anger and resentment though, among other feelings of discontent, can really be harmful to your health and hold you back from being able to move on with your life in a new direction.
Sometimes, we feel that forgiving shows weakness or even means that you condone the behavior or act. However, this is not the case. It actually takes a good deal of courage and strength to forgive and doing so will allow you the freedom to move on.
You might be wondering exactly what it means to forgive. As mentioned above, it does not mean you condone what happened. You certainly won’t forget the anger and hurt, but you can allow yourself to be free of the emotional baggage that would weigh you down with unresolved anger, hurt, and resentment. Forgiveness may or may not even matter to your ex, but it can certainly help you through the process of healing.
Here are seven steps to follow in order to be able to forgive:
1) Write down three ways your hurt feelings have impacted your life. This can help you gain awareness and clarity. If you aren’t sure how to start this step, consider a deep conversation with a close friend or a therapist.
2) Find a good outlet to dislodge the negativity in your life. This can be any number of things: joining a gym, find a new hobby, take up hiking or yoga, joining a book club or getting together on a regular basis with a good friend. Practice the art of speaking without letting negativity flow. Focus on the positive but don’t bury negative feelings. Instead, express yourself in a respectful way to fulfill a need to discuss the negative without falling into a pit of anger or resentment.
3) Take small steps to release your grievances. Try writing a few notes to your ex without sending them. Something like, “I release you from blame. I am stronger than the need to hold a grudge.”
4) Take responsibility for your part in the split. No divorce is ever 100% the fault of only one of the participants. Take a deep look at what you might have done to compound the issues that ultimately led to your divorce. Offer an apology to your ex, and to yourself.
5) Don’t dwell on your hurt. Keep the goal in mind as you move through this process. Acknowledge the hurt, allow yourself to process it, but don’t linger and be sure to move on to a more positive mind space.
6) Accept that your Ex did not intend for your marriage to end in divorce. Acknowledge that you both came into the relationship trying your best to make it last. Try to be understanding and assess the other side of the equation.
7) Practice Forgiveness. Think like a forgiving person and avoid holding a grudge. Promote positive thoughts and refuse to play the role of victim. For some people, genuine forgiveness may not be possible, but acceptance so that you can put it behind you and move on is a worthy goal.
Break the cycle of pain by setting yourself free from negative feelings. Forgiveness takes time. Allow yourself the grace to move through these steps at your own pace and you’ll emerge a more empowered person. Let go of the things which you have no control over.
Crystal Lambert-Schroeder has her bachelor’s degree with emphasis in Psychology and Human Development. She genuinely cares about each and every one of her clients. If you need help navigating through your divorce, contact Lambert Law Office today!
This article is indebted to the Child-Centered Divorce Blog.