Divorce and family separation are both major adjustments for children. Both can lead to a disruption in a child’s sense of security, and also create fear about the future. The are a set of psychological tasks that children of divorce must master in order to achieve closure of their parents’ separation and move on with their lives.
In order for children to stay on their developmental paths, children first must acknowledge the reality of the divorce. The main component of this task is that children understand that the separation is happening and the reasons for it. This ability to perceive and comprehend is difficult thing for many children, but doing so is a big part of acceptance. The next task involves the child learning to disengage from parental conflict and distress. This disconnection can allow them to move forward in achieving a full childhood. This can also help them protect their own identity and life path. Next, they must deal with the loss. The children involved in the divorce and separation will experience many losses. They must overcome the loss of family unit as well as cope with the loss of all of their routines, traditions, and resources.
Another task involves resolving self-blame and anger. Even though the child loves both of their parents, they may also feel deep anger toward one or both over divorce. Overtime, this anger should fade. They also must accept the permanence of the divorce or separation. At first, a child may be in denial about the situation, or dream about their parents getting back together. These children will eventually overcome this, grieve the loss, and finally accept the divorce.
Finally, a child should achieve realistic hope regarding relationships. Even though a child may have experienced divorce, they should eventually begin to realize the importance of taking a chance on love and achieving realistic hope. Children can be taught to remain open to love, commitment, and fidelity, even though they know that divorce is a possibility.
Parents can continue to serve as role models for learning new and healthy relationship skills. To read more about how a child may cope with a divorce, and the tasks associated with it, click here.